Just…. tired

exhausted

It has been a while since I’ve posted an “article”.  I don’t know the proper term for this stuff.

I’ve just found myself just going back into seclusion of sorts.  Crap is happening and what should be happening isn’t.  I’ve been working and working but it’s going nowhere.  I’m the oldest on my “team”.  I use that word very loosely.  I work with children who get away with practically anything.  I’m a Courtesy Clerk (Cart Pusher).  The duties isn’t cut and dry as it may seem.  I have to do the following:

–  Cart Pushing
–  Bagging
–  Store Sweeping
–  Restroom Cleaning
–  Carryouts
–  Price Checking
–  Replacing Items
–  Reshopping

I do a lot of minor stuff on top of that.  Meanwhile, the children don’t do the smallest fraction of that.  I asked the supervisor why I seem to be called to do these stuff.  The answer… because they don’t know how.  TRAIN THEM!  C’mon! What kills me is that all of the tasks doesn’t require major thought behind it.  It’s just a lot of work.  Nobody does it.  Because of my work ethic of…. WORKING, I am constantly called to do something.  Non-stop movement while the children and stand and stare off into space.

A girl told me to get off the other kids’ back.  Apparently they have a powwow about me getting onto them about helping out and teamwork.  I don’t think I should have to do the work of multiple people all alone.  The girl said that “they’re just trying to earn a paycheck”.  Seriously?  You’re not going to earn a check if you’re being a bum.  A 15-year old girl is afraid to get her hair wet and that’s fine.  She’s allowed to bum around and not do anything.  Has it been brought to the ears of management?  Yes.  Did it make a difference?  No.

I’m on the verge of going off in that place.  I hate working there.  If it wasn’t for the need of money, I’d leave.  I get so exhausted.  I thought, at first, that it was the lack of working (when I took a break for school) that made me so tired.  But I’ve been back there for 3 months (feels longer).  I’m feeling so sore.  Back always kill me, neck burns, hips hurt.  Nothing feels good.  It’s all because the pathetic children.  I’ve drastically dropped weight because of the work.  I’ve lost 50 pounds (327 lbs. to 277 lbs.) since the beginning of April.  I don’t know if that’s normal.

Aside with the bum work of my “peers”, I’ve had battles with the lovely, lovely college that is Wright State.

I tried to email an advisor about internships.  Since I started college (Jan. 2009), not once was an internship required.  I have never had the guidance about how to apply for one or what is required prior to it.  I asked about it and the advisor was replying (sporadically).  She asked a series of questions and I was thinking that I’ll finally get something done.  Boy was I wrong.  After all of the talk and questions, she turned around and said that I’ll have to wait because I’m not qualified.  She didn’t bother to research my transcript.  Seriously?  Shouldn’t that have been the first thing to check before anything else is done?

Later, I asked if my information could be updated.  There’s something called a DARS Report.  It’s a degree audit.  It shows what was completed and what needs to be done.  I heard back and found out that what I’ve been given, by her, is incorrect and that the curriculum is changed.  I’ve never been informed of the change, especially after she WENT OVER IT IN DETAIL!!! Jesus Christ.  For academic advisors, this is fundamental mistakes that should happen.

Now that I stand another setback, I’ve become overly ticked.  I’m sick of people telling me that things will happen in time.  I’ve been the same crap for a decade.  I cannot get a foot in the door.  It irritates the crap out of me that people far younger than me can skate through life while I sit and home watching TV.  I have no sense of accomplishment because I really don’t see that I’ve accomplished anything.  Sure, I graduated as a Junior in high school.  At this point, that’s not an accomplishment.  It was a matter of timing.  I’m almost 27.  I live with my parents, working at the bare minimum pay rate with the maximum effort and I have a sub-par education.

Oh, Mr. Frost.  We’re reaching out because of your blogs.  You’ve raised concerns about the University and we’re here to help.  HELP.  GOD D**N IT.  If this lousy university wants to help, actually do something.  Don’t be a spectator.

I’m tired of it all.

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Taken the Road Less Traveled

The-Road-Less-Traveled
Today (May 24th) marks the nine year anniversary of graduating high school.  Since then, I lingered, only existing in this world.  Reading prior articles that I’ve posted, you’ve probably realized that I’m in college right now and that it looks bleak.  You’ve been accustomed to my pessimistic outlooks.  If there was any conclusion about the opinion of, well me, would it be safe to say that I’ve taken the road less traveled?  I mean seriously, you take certain paths in life.  You head into the workforce or you get educated and have hopes and aspirations that will inevitably leave you (or your Mommy and Daddy) in debt.  If something happens, whatever the case may be, you stick to it.  If you get pregnant or if you’re submerged in poverty, you may quit college and stick to the life of something less.  Typically, without coming back to it.  Conversely, if you’re fortunate to go to college (or even find your ideal vocation) without fail, you’ll stick to that and live life to your ideas and dreams.

For me, that never happened nor will it.  I graduated almost a decade ago.  I had thoughts about going into computers.  I took a few college level computer classes and got an A.  The problem with that was that I did not have the foggiest clue about what I scored so highly on.  The instructors stunk…. horribly.  After dabbling with a couple of classes, and failing on, I got on academic probation.  I took a couple of semesters off (as the rule entailed).  During this time, my new “passion” grew.  I came back to college and found a geology course.  I aced it.  I loved that class.

Since that college didn’t offer the major of Geology, I transferred.  After soul-crushing realization of me never getting anywhere with the stagnant progress of Wright State, I thought that I may have to change majors.

Throughout this whole time, a span of seven years flew by.  I never did go to college in 14 consecutive semesters.  I went off and on.  I did what most people don’t do.  Stick to work and college, especially at this long of a tenure.  Something normally has to give.

Since college is off for the Summer (for me), I’m taking the role of being a retail schmuck.  I work in an establishment that I see as an asylum controlled by inmates… but not the typical inmates.  It’s controlled by window-licking children.  I’m older than a majority of the supervisors and managers.  My co-workers might have hit puberty.  I’m assuming that they might have.  I work with 15 and 16 year-old’s.  They get paid more than I do.  At this freak show, raises tend to be handed out more on the hours you’re scheduled rather than performance.  I am now getting my raise (of a shiny nickel).  I outwork almost everyone in the front of the store yet get treated like the old weather gum you step on in the parking lot.

I am sticking with college for one reason.  I don’t want to be a lifer at my job.  It’s a crap job where the pay the minimum wage for the maximum effort.  I work extremely hard and I really don’t get anywhere.  I want to be someone who can potentially have a family without worrying about how governmental welfare will be cut and how we’ll be able to make it the next week without relying on pantries.

I have a sure idea on what I want to do.  I transferred majors from Geology to Urban Affairs.  Urban Affairs had a few branches.  I had the idea of either starting a nonprofit co-sponsored by a university hospital or maybe work for the city as a developer.  Since I have restrictions on the nonprofit idea, my last idea may be my only hope.  Doing so, I might be able to get out of the mentally and physically painful realm of poverty and actually be someone.  It’ll be a whole decade in the making.  By the time I graduate, I’ll be $57K in debt and four weeks shy of my 10-year high school “reunion”.

I hope.
I hope.

Emotionally Exhausted and Morally Bankrupt

Frank Burns
I am now at the point to where I see myself becoming more pessimistic at an unhealthy level.  The things going on right now has me wanting to pull the hair right out of my head.  Nature’s doing that for me.  My thinning hair and apparent grey in my beard may be the result of the overwhelming malarkey.  I said malarkey.  I am trying to keep this at an entertaining PG level.

I’ve said it multiple times since November (when I started this farce called blogging) that I have self-esteem issues from an array of incidents.  I have an apparent form of depression compounded with anxiety.  Although it’s not medically diagnosed, it is there and it’s evident as RuPaul and his “lifestyle”.  Maybe that isn’t the best comparison.  It’s 2:30am right now, so get off my back.  My depression and anxiety may be temporary if things smooth out.  I really don’t see that happening.

In the past, my anger issues grew exponentially when I lost my home in 2013.  It grew to a greater scale when I lived on campus at that “college” called Wright State University.  I lived with three guys who, all in all, was the polar opposite of myself.  They’re financially secure with the comfort of knowing that the only way they are (or were) going to college was through the wallets of their parents.  They can drive.  They’re socially excelling.  I was never like that.

I’m a 6’3″ or 6’4″ (depends on the slouch), 300 pound country boy, $47,000 in student loan debt, without a drivers license and primarily an introvert.  Knit pick at that.  For eighteen months, all of that and then some was picked at.  Anyone weaker would have snapped in a violent manner.  I didn’t.  I bottled it up.  Emotionally, it wore me out.  My self-esteem went right out of the window.  I remember being told “Sucks to be a Joe” or “Who cares, nobody knows who you are”.  I apologize for being that sorry sap for longs for being socially accepted.

Aside from that, the college itself is cracking the foundation of who and what I am.  I grew up poor.  I’m still poor.  My ultimate goal was to go to college and become someone.  The number one thing was to be someone who didn’t have to be in pain from years of brutal impacts to the body.  I wanted to do something where I used my mind and help people.  My college chipped away at that.  David Hopkins, former President of Wright State University, was the head of a university who neglected the budget to a point to where progress was almost non-existent.  I had signed up for classes that would be cancelled at the last minute leaving me with no room to find an adequate course.  I would have to take something I did not need to keep myself from owing the college money.  Because of this, I’m at a point to where I’ve used more financial aid than I should with nothing to show for it.

The Spring 2017 semester just ended.  How did I do?  I didn’t.  I got an incomplete for one mistake in my class.  The professor never taught an online course before, so my fate is (or was) lying in the hands of someone completely incompetent of his own tasks.  The university failed me again, and I really don’t think I will be able to graduate.  I spend the past eight years working hard physically and mentally for what?  Owing the government for the money I spent on a institution they shouldn’t have accredited?  I’m tired of it all.  I had goals.  I had the hope of the “American Dream”.  By-the-by, the American Dream is dead.  I had a goal of one of two things. Doing a non-profit by helping those with nervous disorders, or something to be ecologically aware while working for the city.  I cannot do either because the forces behind the oak desk at Wright State is shaping my destiny to be that of retail.

I don’t want that life.  I don’t want to be in customer service, being a lifer at a retail chain.  I want to be in control of what I see as my own destiny.  I don’t want to be ticked off 24/7, working ten times harder than my 15 year old co-working while we’re getting the same pay.  I want to live, not exist.

Ignorance Isn’t Bliss

CK-39757 Denise Robinow ( Campus aerial photos 7-8-09 )
Today (April 7, 2017), Wright State University posted a recap of what the interim university President sent to the students and staff.  It mainly detailed the woes and “progress” that they’ll make to eradicating a ballooning $30 Million debt.  I am sharing a piece of what they said in the recap.

“We will likely see many great staff and faculty leave us, whether through job opportunities elsewhere, retirements, or layoffs. This does not mean that we will stop educating students and working to improve the region.”

I would like to know what ways the university plans on educating students.  Seriously.  How can teach the students when they are on a hiring freeze and will get rid of the professors?  A lot of the remaining professors will not want to pull double duty for the same pay as before.  Realistically, doing twice the work without a little boost in pay or compensation will not happen.  Even those who love to teach is not about to do that much work to compensate the University’s mismanagement.

Also, how will they seek to improve the region?  They cannot improve their own mess.  It’s like they believe that the downward spiral of the University is a quick fix.  All hands need to be on deck to preserve whatever they have left of the school.

The focus of this place has been off in “la-la land” for years.  Last year, Tom Hanks endorsed a portion of the University that focused on motion pictures.
hanks

In 2016, that was the big hoopla.  It was like the University President and his cronies were witnessing the second coming of Jesus Christ.  In actuality, it was an actor giving the nod and a thumbs up for a university getting aroused to put his name on the side of the building.  Don’t get me wrong, I am a fan of Tom Hanks.  I was there at the ceremony, but it was not anything extravagant that guaranteed any revenue for years to come.  An investment like this should have been an investment that benefited the community and college as a whole, and not for a small overrated department.  We’re not Ohio State.  We cannot afford the ceremonies of big actors and dedications of people who come by once in a decade.

The Interim President said that this is something we’re all going to have to deal with and go through and that we will all be affected by this.  Why?  Why will innocent professors lose their job or lose benefits and why will students bare the unavailability of courses and advising?  Why does this have to happen because President Hopkins and the board were too blind to notice that they are spending way too much.  Seem hypocritical when they get onto student because of fees.  It’s not like we racked up the debt.  Students paid into the school, hoping for quality, hoping for an education that will get them out of the realm of poverty.    I am curious where my grants and loans went to.  The President’s pocket?  The NEW President’s country club?  They can pay the new President more than half a million dollars but stress the budget being cut for professors.

My strange suggestion would be to cut the boards salary because apparently they’re too ignorant to realize that simple budgeting is too complex.

Ignorance isn’t bliss.

A Life of Something More Than Nothing

the-end

“Of our elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end”

I had a newfound chip on my shoulder eight weeks ago.  It was the beginning of some new.  The overwhelming staleness of Earth Science and it’s department at Wright State was gone.  Anew was the visions I had for a career in the “real world”.  I had these ideas and theories running through my head.  I thought of innovation and beneficial programs and it all seemed to fit like a lovely educational 1000-piece puzzle.

The real world arrived.

Three days before the semester started, I got hit with the flu.  Getting hit was an understatement.  I got slammed by some virus.  My Dad said it could have been pneumonia.  Without insurance, I had one of two choices, go to the hospital and be in debt trying to repay them for their services or ride it out.  I tried to ride it out.  It wasn’t my inner miser taking control.  I thought it would have been out of my system in time.  Guess what?  It wasn’t.  I was out for 11 days.  Women have this assumption that men milk their illnesses for all it’s worth.  I read scientific articles that men do get sick worse and have trouble getting over it.  We’re not those strong women that can do anything.  Men have the disadvantage of being ill!

Anyways…

I was out and missed three classes of one specific class, four of two other classes. I was already behind and I hadn’t had a chance to step onto campus!  I finally returned to campus for the final day of the week.  My Dad picked me up around 5pm and when he tried to get out of the stellar parking lot, the car popped.  The car wasn’t right to begin with.  Prior to the beginning of the semester, the real issues of our car began to show.  When he turned and the car popped, we knew something was wrong.  The car began to whine and resist any long turns.  The steering was failing.  On top of that, we had a major gas leak.  So, forcing the wheel could break something.  When metal breaks, sparks form.  When sparks meet gas, well… you get the picture.

I went online and bought a Rack and Pinion.  This car helps with the steering.  Without that, nothing works.  You can reverse and go forward.  Turning is disabled.  I had spent $200.  We called the mechanic down the road and he said that all of the work would cost $400.  A total of $600.  It was a lot of money, but it was worth not blowing up!  With this, I started to get comfortable and relaxed.  I thought that I could go back to class and resume anything I had previously done prior to the vehicular mishap.  Guess what happened next?

REAL WORLD, B**CH!!!

The mechanic told us that the car was beyond repair.  The frame was too damaged and that if he had attempted to repair the rack and pinion, that the car would be finished because everything would have fallen apart right there.  It was like the rust was holding things together at the moment.  It was a $2,000 repair.  I didn’t have that kind of money.

I tried to explain things to my professor.  I asked for work to do from home and submit it through email.  I wanted to show them that I had a legitimate issue (I provide receipts) and they wouldn’t work with me.  I was willing to put forth more work and effort than I should so that I can pass, but that wasn’t good enough.  I don’t like to blame others for some things that happen in my life, but they’re probably going to be the reason I stand a very high chance of not graduating.

I don’t get why they will not work with me on issues like this.  After all, my loans are paying for their income.  Students are the reason they eat and have a place to go and sleep.  I am going into debt, paying for their class.  The least they could do is accommodate students in their desperate time of need.  But.. no.  I have to hitchhike or grow a set of wings and make it there just to listen to them parrot their PowerPoints.

As of now, I am not able to graduate.  I can’t.  I have two semesters of financial aid.  That’ll pay for all but three classes that I need.  My professor is suggesting that I drop the course.  That just irritates the F**K out of me.  She’s paid, so seeing me drop the course is obviously the logical thing to suggest.

I just cannot catch a break.  I tried to beg to the Department of Education about forgiving a portion of my loans due to hardship.  I’ve been attending college for eight years.  I had to stop doing what I was doing for the sake of my family.  I’m not complaining about helping them.  I didn’t have a problem helping out.  But, I had to stop.  I had to use some loans to pay some bills because we were broke.  The so-called biological mother was as useful as a  stump. She did not contribute.  So, with my Dad taking care of my ailing Grandmother and paying the mortgage, I tried to cover anything else that was needed.  That was my only method of income.  Adams County was (at the time) the second most unemployed county in the state, and this was at the peak of the recession.

I had explained that with this situation, having to move to Dayton because of the increasing debt of the house, and helping my parents that are disabled, that I’ve used my loans just to stay afloat.  I haven’t been doing too well financially.

It’s almost not an exaggeration.  I’m too poor to go to college.  The DOE told me to discuss this with my lender.  Makes sense, right?  I did discuss this with my lender.  They told me that they cannot do anything and that I have to discuss this with the Financial Aid office.  They (Wright State) told me to discuss this with the Lender.  The lender said that they’re not a lender.  They are too!  Are you confused?  So am I.

So I cannot get help.  I don’t know why.  I just want to graduate.  I don’t care if I have loan debt.  I just want to get a career and live a life above the realm of poverty.  Is that too much to ask?

This is the end.  The chances of living a life of something more than nothing is nothing more than a pipe-dream.

Of my elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end