Emotionally Exhausted and Morally Bankrupt

Frank Burns
I am now at the point to where I see myself becoming more pessimistic at an unhealthy level.  The things going on right now has me wanting to pull the hair right out of my head.  Nature’s doing that for me.  My thinning hair and apparent grey in my beard may be the result of the overwhelming malarkey.  I said malarkey.  I am trying to keep this at an entertaining PG level.

I’ve said it multiple times since November (when I started this farce called blogging) that I have self-esteem issues from an array of incidents.  I have an apparent form of depression compounded with anxiety.  Although it’s not medically diagnosed, it is there and it’s evident as RuPaul and his “lifestyle”.  Maybe that isn’t the best comparison.  It’s 2:30am right now, so get off my back.  My depression and anxiety may be temporary if things smooth out.  I really don’t see that happening.

In the past, my anger issues grew exponentially when I lost my home in 2013.  It grew to a greater scale when I lived on campus at that “college” called Wright State University.  I lived with three guys who, all in all, was the polar opposite of myself.  They’re financially secure with the comfort of knowing that the only way they are (or were) going to college was through the wallets of their parents.  They can drive.  They’re socially excelling.  I was never like that.

I’m a 6’3″ or 6’4″ (depends on the slouch), 300 pound country boy, $47,000 in student loan debt, without a drivers license and primarily an introvert.  Knit pick at that.  For eighteen months, all of that and then some was picked at.  Anyone weaker would have snapped in a violent manner.  I didn’t.  I bottled it up.  Emotionally, it wore me out.  My self-esteem went right out of the window.  I remember being told “Sucks to be a Joe” or “Who cares, nobody knows who you are”.  I apologize for being that sorry sap for longs for being socially accepted.

Aside from that, the college itself is cracking the foundation of who and what I am.  I grew up poor.  I’m still poor.  My ultimate goal was to go to college and become someone.  The number one thing was to be someone who didn’t have to be in pain from years of brutal impacts to the body.  I wanted to do something where I used my mind and help people.  My college chipped away at that.  David Hopkins, former President of Wright State University, was the head of a university who neglected the budget to a point to where progress was almost non-existent.  I had signed up for classes that would be cancelled at the last minute leaving me with no room to find an adequate course.  I would have to take something I did not need to keep myself from owing the college money.  Because of this, I’m at a point to where I’ve used more financial aid than I should with nothing to show for it.

The Spring 2017 semester just ended.  How did I do?  I didn’t.  I got an incomplete for one mistake in my class.  The professor never taught an online course before, so my fate is (or was) lying in the hands of someone completely incompetent of his own tasks.  The university failed me again, and I really don’t think I will be able to graduate.  I spend the past eight years working hard physically and mentally for what?  Owing the government for the money I spent on a institution they shouldn’t have accredited?  I’m tired of it all.  I had goals.  I had the hope of the “American Dream”.  By-the-by, the American Dream is dead.  I had a goal of one of two things. Doing a non-profit by helping those with nervous disorders, or something to be ecologically aware while working for the city.  I cannot do either because the forces behind the oak desk at Wright State is shaping my destiny to be that of retail.

I don’t want that life.  I don’t want to be in customer service, being a lifer at a retail chain.  I want to be in control of what I see as my own destiny.  I don’t want to be ticked off 24/7, working ten times harder than my 15 year old co-working while we’re getting the same pay.  I want to live, not exist.

Ignorance Isn’t Bliss

CK-39757 Denise Robinow ( Campus aerial photos 7-8-09 )
Today (April 7, 2017), Wright State University posted a recap of what the interim university President sent to the students and staff.  It mainly detailed the woes and “progress” that they’ll make to eradicating a ballooning $30 Million debt.  I am sharing a piece of what they said in the recap.

“We will likely see many great staff and faculty leave us, whether through job opportunities elsewhere, retirements, or layoffs. This does not mean that we will stop educating students and working to improve the region.”

I would like to know what ways the university plans on educating students.  Seriously.  How can teach the students when they are on a hiring freeze and will get rid of the professors?  A lot of the remaining professors will not want to pull double duty for the same pay as before.  Realistically, doing twice the work without a little boost in pay or compensation will not happen.  Even those who love to teach is not about to do that much work to compensate the University’s mismanagement.

Also, how will they seek to improve the region?  They cannot improve their own mess.  It’s like they believe that the downward spiral of the University is a quick fix.  All hands need to be on deck to preserve whatever they have left of the school.

The focus of this place has been off in “la-la land” for years.  Last year, Tom Hanks endorsed a portion of the University that focused on motion pictures.
hanks

In 2016, that was the big hoopla.  It was like the University President and his cronies were witnessing the second coming of Jesus Christ.  In actuality, it was an actor giving the nod and a thumbs up for a university getting aroused to put his name on the side of the building.  Don’t get me wrong, I am a fan of Tom Hanks.  I was there at the ceremony, but it was not anything extravagant that guaranteed any revenue for years to come.  An investment like this should have been an investment that benefited the community and college as a whole, and not for a small overrated department.  We’re not Ohio State.  We cannot afford the ceremonies of big actors and dedications of people who come by once in a decade.

The Interim President said that this is something we’re all going to have to deal with and go through and that we will all be affected by this.  Why?  Why will innocent professors lose their job or lose benefits and why will students bare the unavailability of courses and advising?  Why does this have to happen because President Hopkins and the board were too blind to notice that they are spending way too much.  Seem hypocritical when they get onto student because of fees.  It’s not like we racked up the debt.  Students paid into the school, hoping for quality, hoping for an education that will get them out of the realm of poverty.    I am curious where my grants and loans went to.  The President’s pocket?  The NEW President’s country club?  They can pay the new President more than half a million dollars but stress the budget being cut for professors.

My strange suggestion would be to cut the boards salary because apparently they’re too ignorant to realize that simple budgeting is too complex.

Ignorance isn’t bliss.