Emotionally Exhausted and Morally Bankrupt

Frank Burns
I am now at the point to where I see myself becoming more pessimistic at an unhealthy level.  The things going on right now has me wanting to pull the hair right out of my head.  Nature’s doing that for me.  My thinning hair and apparent grey in my beard may be the result of the overwhelming malarkey.  I said malarkey.  I am trying to keep this at an entertaining PG level.

I’ve said it multiple times since November (when I started this farce called blogging) that I have self-esteem issues from an array of incidents.  I have an apparent form of depression compounded with anxiety.  Although it’s not medically diagnosed, it is there and it’s evident as RuPaul and his “lifestyle”.  Maybe that isn’t the best comparison.  It’s 2:30am right now, so get off my back.  My depression and anxiety may be temporary if things smooth out.  I really don’t see that happening.

In the past, my anger issues grew exponentially when I lost my home in 2013.  It grew to a greater scale when I lived on campus at that “college” called Wright State University.  I lived with three guys who, all in all, was the polar opposite of myself.  They’re financially secure with the comfort of knowing that the only way they are (or were) going to college was through the wallets of their parents.  They can drive.  They’re socially excelling.  I was never like that.

I’m a 6’3″ or 6’4″ (depends on the slouch), 300 pound country boy, $47,000 in student loan debt, without a drivers license and primarily an introvert.  Knit pick at that.  For eighteen months, all of that and then some was picked at.  Anyone weaker would have snapped in a violent manner.  I didn’t.  I bottled it up.  Emotionally, it wore me out.  My self-esteem went right out of the window.  I remember being told “Sucks to be a Joe” or “Who cares, nobody knows who you are”.  I apologize for being that sorry sap for longs for being socially accepted.

Aside from that, the college itself is cracking the foundation of who and what I am.  I grew up poor.  I’m still poor.  My ultimate goal was to go to college and become someone.  The number one thing was to be someone who didn’t have to be in pain from years of brutal impacts to the body.  I wanted to do something where I used my mind and help people.  My college chipped away at that.  David Hopkins, former President of Wright State University, was the head of a university who neglected the budget to a point to where progress was almost non-existent.  I had signed up for classes that would be cancelled at the last minute leaving me with no room to find an adequate course.  I would have to take something I did not need to keep myself from owing the college money.  Because of this, I’m at a point to where I’ve used more financial aid than I should with nothing to show for it.

The Spring 2017 semester just ended.  How did I do?  I didn’t.  I got an incomplete for one mistake in my class.  The professor never taught an online course before, so my fate is (or was) lying in the hands of someone completely incompetent of his own tasks.  The university failed me again, and I really don’t think I will be able to graduate.  I spend the past eight years working hard physically and mentally for what?  Owing the government for the money I spent on a institution they shouldn’t have accredited?  I’m tired of it all.  I had goals.  I had the hope of the “American Dream”.  By-the-by, the American Dream is dead.  I had a goal of one of two things. Doing a non-profit by helping those with nervous disorders, or something to be ecologically aware while working for the city.  I cannot do either because the forces behind the oak desk at Wright State is shaping my destiny to be that of retail.

I don’t want that life.  I don’t want to be in customer service, being a lifer at a retail chain.  I want to be in control of what I see as my own destiny.  I don’t want to be ticked off 24/7, working ten times harder than my 15 year old co-working while we’re getting the same pay.  I want to live, not exist.

A Life of Something More Than Nothing

the-end

“Of our elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end”

I had a newfound chip on my shoulder eight weeks ago.  It was the beginning of some new.  The overwhelming staleness of Earth Science and it’s department at Wright State was gone.  Anew was the visions I had for a career in the “real world”.  I had these ideas and theories running through my head.  I thought of innovation and beneficial programs and it all seemed to fit like a lovely educational 1000-piece puzzle.

The real world arrived.

Three days before the semester started, I got hit with the flu.  Getting hit was an understatement.  I got slammed by some virus.  My Dad said it could have been pneumonia.  Without insurance, I had one of two choices, go to the hospital and be in debt trying to repay them for their services or ride it out.  I tried to ride it out.  It wasn’t my inner miser taking control.  I thought it would have been out of my system in time.  Guess what?  It wasn’t.  I was out for 11 days.  Women have this assumption that men milk their illnesses for all it’s worth.  I read scientific articles that men do get sick worse and have trouble getting over it.  We’re not those strong women that can do anything.  Men have the disadvantage of being ill!

Anyways…

I was out and missed three classes of one specific class, four of two other classes. I was already behind and I hadn’t had a chance to step onto campus!  I finally returned to campus for the final day of the week.  My Dad picked me up around 5pm and when he tried to get out of the stellar parking lot, the car popped.  The car wasn’t right to begin with.  Prior to the beginning of the semester, the real issues of our car began to show.  When he turned and the car popped, we knew something was wrong.  The car began to whine and resist any long turns.  The steering was failing.  On top of that, we had a major gas leak.  So, forcing the wheel could break something.  When metal breaks, sparks form.  When sparks meet gas, well… you get the picture.

I went online and bought a Rack and Pinion.  This car helps with the steering.  Without that, nothing works.  You can reverse and go forward.  Turning is disabled.  I had spent $200.  We called the mechanic down the road and he said that all of the work would cost $400.  A total of $600.  It was a lot of money, but it was worth not blowing up!  With this, I started to get comfortable and relaxed.  I thought that I could go back to class and resume anything I had previously done prior to the vehicular mishap.  Guess what happened next?

REAL WORLD, B**CH!!!

The mechanic told us that the car was beyond repair.  The frame was too damaged and that if he had attempted to repair the rack and pinion, that the car would be finished because everything would have fallen apart right there.  It was like the rust was holding things together at the moment.  It was a $2,000 repair.  I didn’t have that kind of money.

I tried to explain things to my professor.  I asked for work to do from home and submit it through email.  I wanted to show them that I had a legitimate issue (I provide receipts) and they wouldn’t work with me.  I was willing to put forth more work and effort than I should so that I can pass, but that wasn’t good enough.  I don’t like to blame others for some things that happen in my life, but they’re probably going to be the reason I stand a very high chance of not graduating.

I don’t get why they will not work with me on issues like this.  After all, my loans are paying for their income.  Students are the reason they eat and have a place to go and sleep.  I am going into debt, paying for their class.  The least they could do is accommodate students in their desperate time of need.  But.. no.  I have to hitchhike or grow a set of wings and make it there just to listen to them parrot their PowerPoints.

As of now, I am not able to graduate.  I can’t.  I have two semesters of financial aid.  That’ll pay for all but three classes that I need.  My professor is suggesting that I drop the course.  That just irritates the F**K out of me.  She’s paid, so seeing me drop the course is obviously the logical thing to suggest.

I just cannot catch a break.  I tried to beg to the Department of Education about forgiving a portion of my loans due to hardship.  I’ve been attending college for eight years.  I had to stop doing what I was doing for the sake of my family.  I’m not complaining about helping them.  I didn’t have a problem helping out.  But, I had to stop.  I had to use some loans to pay some bills because we were broke.  The so-called biological mother was as useful as a  stump. She did not contribute.  So, with my Dad taking care of my ailing Grandmother and paying the mortgage, I tried to cover anything else that was needed.  That was my only method of income.  Adams County was (at the time) the second most unemployed county in the state, and this was at the peak of the recession.

I had explained that with this situation, having to move to Dayton because of the increasing debt of the house, and helping my parents that are disabled, that I’ve used my loans just to stay afloat.  I haven’t been doing too well financially.

It’s almost not an exaggeration.  I’m too poor to go to college.  The DOE told me to discuss this with my lender.  Makes sense, right?  I did discuss this with my lender.  They told me that they cannot do anything and that I have to discuss this with the Financial Aid office.  They (Wright State) told me to discuss this with the Lender.  The lender said that they’re not a lender.  They are too!  Are you confused?  So am I.

So I cannot get help.  I don’t know why.  I just want to graduate.  I don’t care if I have loan debt.  I just want to get a career and live a life above the realm of poverty.  Is that too much to ask?

This is the end.  The chances of living a life of something more than nothing is nothing more than a pipe-dream.

Of my elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end