I Can See For Miles

Portman's Trail

I haven’t been on here to basically spill out what I’ve been thinking.

I have been a bit busy working.  I was working a ton for practically pennies.  The only reason I worked there was because it was just down the alley.  I was thinking long term, considering the pros and cons on a job close to home vs. a job where I have to drive to.  I chose the job closest to my home.  I thought that if something comes up, transportation wise, I would still be able to get to work without depending on others for a ride.  Nearby stores paid more, but this job was super close and had grocery discounts for employees.

I was working there since the end of March.  I worked there last Summer between semesters.  During the “winter”, I was begged to come back.  So… I did.  I worked as a Courtesy Clerk, which is a fancy word for being a cart pusher.  Contrary to most ideas about that position, it’s a physically demanding job.  I had to work through severe weather and extreme heat on pavement.  Since the employer (Kroger) hired nothing but children (literally), I had to do the heavy duty work.  It’s not that the kids work prohibited from doing hard work.  The Kroger Management never made the kids do anything worth breaking out into a sweat.  The kids would be scheduled to come outside for 30 minutes for carts at a time.  They would come in only minutes into the shift.  Yet…. nobody had the testicles to say anything about it except for me to finish their job and do mine.  Now I don’t want to sound like that kind of person who claims to be the person who does everything, but… I did.  I did to the point to where my body was fighting back against it.

During this tenure, I’ve hurt myself in a multitude of ways.  I’ve dislocated both of my wrists (partially due its hyper-mobility), bruised my shins, multiple traumas to my knees such as runner’s knee, popping it in and out slightly and minor things like twisting it.  I’ve also had hurt my back.  All signs for that is that I’m walking around with a herniated disc between my shoulder blades.  This is the worst pain I’ve felt so far.  I get the sensation that my pinky and ring finger has fallen asleep (fell asleep?).  I’ve gotten to the point that I can’t take as big of a breath because of the pain.

So, yeah, I’ve been working hurt.  I addressed this to management but to no avail.  The store manager asked how I was.  I told her that I’m in agony.  She said “Suck it up, that’s life”.  Seriously?  Coming from someone who sit comfortably in an office, rarely seen in the public.  Her attitude and the attitude of supervisors led me to leaving that place.  The newest supervisor said that I just stand around and refuse to do carts.  I’m always moving around working.  Moving so much, I’ve dropped 60 pounds.  In April, I was 327 pounds.  I’m 267 now.  I don’t think that the weight loss came from me socializing, like she does so well.  I quit because my body was on the verge of giving up.  Mentally, I was exhausted from the BS and lack of cooperation.  I hardly sleep because I’m in pain from the overworking.  I’ll go to bed around 3am, toss and turn and wake up at 11.  Sure, that’s eight hours, but large chunks is spend just lying there.  The lousy manager told my Dad that I quit without notice, even though I sent a complaint/”I Quit” letter to the HR manager days before.  Yes, I did quit.  I gave up.  I gave up on them because they gave up on me.  I wasn’t making much.  I was broke by the following Monday or Tuesday.  I figured that I’d be better taking a break, maybe donating plasma before the new semester began.

In the meantime, I’m relaxing (for once), listening to Earl Scruggs and playing my PlayStation 3.

The new semester is about to start.  Hopefully this is the final Fall Semester I have, that is unless I go to Graduate School.  Had everything gone to plan last Spring, this semester would have been somewhat easy.  But it didn’t so I’m having to take 19 credit hours.  If there is a higher power, he needs to give me a dang break… just this once.  If I pass this semester with flying colors, I’ll have a 10 credit hours for the Spring and I’m beyond giddy for that.

As mentioned before, I’m majoring in Urban Affairs.  The definition that I tell people is to think of the words Urban and Affairs.  It’s the dealings of the city.  Zoning, management of the city.  I have my theories and ideas.  One is something I call “Structural Recycling”.  I believe that the city could and should utilize the area they’re working on.  Many places are being torn down just to have something built in its place.  I think that if you use some of the pre-existing buildings and lot, you would save money and in turn, the city could use the money save for something like alternative energy.  Not to sound like a tree hugger, but it’s about time to use the space we’re already owning and use it to its potential.  Cut down the carbon footprint and go green.  Solar panels can be used for particular services, like gas stations and emergency services in case of an outage.  Saves on generators as well.

I have ideas like that and more… I just hope that maybe I can get something across to make it happen.  If so, this experience at Kroger won’t happen again.

I’m trying to see for miles in my future.  I’m trying to be optimistic.

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Just…. tired

exhausted

It has been a while since I’ve posted an “article”.  I don’t know the proper term for this stuff.

I’ve just found myself just going back into seclusion of sorts.  Crap is happening and what should be happening isn’t.  I’ve been working and working but it’s going nowhere.  I’m the oldest on my “team”.  I use that word very loosely.  I work with children who get away with practically anything.  I’m a Courtesy Clerk (Cart Pusher).  The duties isn’t cut and dry as it may seem.  I have to do the following:

–  Cart Pushing
–  Bagging
–  Store Sweeping
–  Restroom Cleaning
–  Carryouts
–  Price Checking
–  Replacing Items
–  Reshopping

I do a lot of minor stuff on top of that.  Meanwhile, the children don’t do the smallest fraction of that.  I asked the supervisor why I seem to be called to do these stuff.  The answer… because they don’t know how.  TRAIN THEM!  C’mon! What kills me is that all of the tasks doesn’t require major thought behind it.  It’s just a lot of work.  Nobody does it.  Because of my work ethic of…. WORKING, I am constantly called to do something.  Non-stop movement while the children and stand and stare off into space.

A girl told me to get off the other kids’ back.  Apparently they have a powwow about me getting onto them about helping out and teamwork.  I don’t think I should have to do the work of multiple people all alone.  The girl said that “they’re just trying to earn a paycheck”.  Seriously?  You’re not going to earn a check if you’re being a bum.  A 15-year old girl is afraid to get her hair wet and that’s fine.  She’s allowed to bum around and not do anything.  Has it been brought to the ears of management?  Yes.  Did it make a difference?  No.

I’m on the verge of going off in that place.  I hate working there.  If it wasn’t for the need of money, I’d leave.  I get so exhausted.  I thought, at first, that it was the lack of working (when I took a break for school) that made me so tired.  But I’ve been back there for 3 months (feels longer).  I’m feeling so sore.  Back always kill me, neck burns, hips hurt.  Nothing feels good.  It’s all because the pathetic children.  I’ve drastically dropped weight because of the work.  I’ve lost 50 pounds (327 lbs. to 277 lbs.) since the beginning of April.  I don’t know if that’s normal.

Aside with the bum work of my “peers”, I’ve had battles with the lovely, lovely college that is Wright State.

I tried to email an advisor about internships.  Since I started college (Jan. 2009), not once was an internship required.  I have never had the guidance about how to apply for one or what is required prior to it.  I asked about it and the advisor was replying (sporadically).  She asked a series of questions and I was thinking that I’ll finally get something done.  Boy was I wrong.  After all of the talk and questions, she turned around and said that I’ll have to wait because I’m not qualified.  She didn’t bother to research my transcript.  Seriously?  Shouldn’t that have been the first thing to check before anything else is done?

Later, I asked if my information could be updated.  There’s something called a DARS Report.  It’s a degree audit.  It shows what was completed and what needs to be done.  I heard back and found out that what I’ve been given, by her, is incorrect and that the curriculum is changed.  I’ve never been informed of the change, especially after she WENT OVER IT IN DETAIL!!! Jesus Christ.  For academic advisors, this is fundamental mistakes that should happen.

Now that I stand another setback, I’ve become overly ticked.  I’m sick of people telling me that things will happen in time.  I’ve been the same crap for a decade.  I cannot get a foot in the door.  It irritates the crap out of me that people far younger than me can skate through life while I sit and home watching TV.  I have no sense of accomplishment because I really don’t see that I’ve accomplished anything.  Sure, I graduated as a Junior in high school.  At this point, that’s not an accomplishment.  It was a matter of timing.  I’m almost 27.  I live with my parents, working at the bare minimum pay rate with the maximum effort and I have a sub-par education.

Oh, Mr. Frost.  We’re reaching out because of your blogs.  You’ve raised concerns about the University and we’re here to help.  HELP.  GOD D**N IT.  If this lousy university wants to help, actually do something.  Don’t be a spectator.

I’m tired of it all.

Taken the Road Less Traveled

The-Road-Less-Traveled
Today (May 24th) marks the nine year anniversary of graduating high school.  Since then, I lingered, only existing in this world.  Reading prior articles that I’ve posted, you’ve probably realized that I’m in college right now and that it looks bleak.  You’ve been accustomed to my pessimistic outlooks.  If there was any conclusion about the opinion of, well me, would it be safe to say that I’ve taken the road less traveled?  I mean seriously, you take certain paths in life.  You head into the workforce or you get educated and have hopes and aspirations that will inevitably leave you (or your Mommy and Daddy) in debt.  If something happens, whatever the case may be, you stick to it.  If you get pregnant or if you’re submerged in poverty, you may quit college and stick to the life of something less.  Typically, without coming back to it.  Conversely, if you’re fortunate to go to college (or even find your ideal vocation) without fail, you’ll stick to that and live life to your ideas and dreams.

For me, that never happened nor will it.  I graduated almost a decade ago.  I had thoughts about going into computers.  I took a few college level computer classes and got an A.  The problem with that was that I did not have the foggiest clue about what I scored so highly on.  The instructors stunk…. horribly.  After dabbling with a couple of classes, and failing on, I got on academic probation.  I took a couple of semesters off (as the rule entailed).  During this time, my new “passion” grew.  I came back to college and found a geology course.  I aced it.  I loved that class.

Since that college didn’t offer the major of Geology, I transferred.  After soul-crushing realization of me never getting anywhere with the stagnant progress of Wright State, I thought that I may have to change majors.

Throughout this whole time, a span of seven years flew by.  I never did go to college in 14 consecutive semesters.  I went off and on.  I did what most people don’t do.  Stick to work and college, especially at this long of a tenure.  Something normally has to give.

Since college is off for the Summer (for me), I’m taking the role of being a retail schmuck.  I work in an establishment that I see as an asylum controlled by inmates… but not the typical inmates.  It’s controlled by window-licking children.  I’m older than a majority of the supervisors and managers.  My co-workers might have hit puberty.  I’m assuming that they might have.  I work with 15 and 16 year-old’s.  They get paid more than I do.  At this freak show, raises tend to be handed out more on the hours you’re scheduled rather than performance.  I am now getting my raise (of a shiny nickel).  I outwork almost everyone in the front of the store yet get treated like the old weather gum you step on in the parking lot.

I am sticking with college for one reason.  I don’t want to be a lifer at my job.  It’s a crap job where the pay the minimum wage for the maximum effort.  I work extremely hard and I really don’t get anywhere.  I want to be someone who can potentially have a family without worrying about how governmental welfare will be cut and how we’ll be able to make it the next week without relying on pantries.

I have a sure idea on what I want to do.  I transferred majors from Geology to Urban Affairs.  Urban Affairs had a few branches.  I had the idea of either starting a nonprofit co-sponsored by a university hospital or maybe work for the city as a developer.  Since I have restrictions on the nonprofit idea, my last idea may be my only hope.  Doing so, I might be able to get out of the mentally and physically painful realm of poverty and actually be someone.  It’ll be a whole decade in the making.  By the time I graduate, I’ll be $57K in debt and four weeks shy of my 10-year high school “reunion”.

I hope.
I hope.

Emotionally Exhausted and Morally Bankrupt

Frank Burns
I am now at the point to where I see myself becoming more pessimistic at an unhealthy level.  The things going on right now has me wanting to pull the hair right out of my head.  Nature’s doing that for me.  My thinning hair and apparent grey in my beard may be the result of the overwhelming malarkey.  I said malarkey.  I am trying to keep this at an entertaining PG level.

I’ve said it multiple times since November (when I started this farce called blogging) that I have self-esteem issues from an array of incidents.  I have an apparent form of depression compounded with anxiety.  Although it’s not medically diagnosed, it is there and it’s evident as RuPaul and his “lifestyle”.  Maybe that isn’t the best comparison.  It’s 2:30am right now, so get off my back.  My depression and anxiety may be temporary if things smooth out.  I really don’t see that happening.

In the past, my anger issues grew exponentially when I lost my home in 2013.  It grew to a greater scale when I lived on campus at that “college” called Wright State University.  I lived with three guys who, all in all, was the polar opposite of myself.  They’re financially secure with the comfort of knowing that the only way they are (or were) going to college was through the wallets of their parents.  They can drive.  They’re socially excelling.  I was never like that.

I’m a 6’3″ or 6’4″ (depends on the slouch), 300 pound country boy, $47,000 in student loan debt, without a drivers license and primarily an introvert.  Knit pick at that.  For eighteen months, all of that and then some was picked at.  Anyone weaker would have snapped in a violent manner.  I didn’t.  I bottled it up.  Emotionally, it wore me out.  My self-esteem went right out of the window.  I remember being told “Sucks to be a Joe” or “Who cares, nobody knows who you are”.  I apologize for being that sorry sap for longs for being socially accepted.

Aside from that, the college itself is cracking the foundation of who and what I am.  I grew up poor.  I’m still poor.  My ultimate goal was to go to college and become someone.  The number one thing was to be someone who didn’t have to be in pain from years of brutal impacts to the body.  I wanted to do something where I used my mind and help people.  My college chipped away at that.  David Hopkins, former President of Wright State University, was the head of a university who neglected the budget to a point to where progress was almost non-existent.  I had signed up for classes that would be cancelled at the last minute leaving me with no room to find an adequate course.  I would have to take something I did not need to keep myself from owing the college money.  Because of this, I’m at a point to where I’ve used more financial aid than I should with nothing to show for it.

The Spring 2017 semester just ended.  How did I do?  I didn’t.  I got an incomplete for one mistake in my class.  The professor never taught an online course before, so my fate is (or was) lying in the hands of someone completely incompetent of his own tasks.  The university failed me again, and I really don’t think I will be able to graduate.  I spend the past eight years working hard physically and mentally for what?  Owing the government for the money I spent on a institution they shouldn’t have accredited?  I’m tired of it all.  I had goals.  I had the hope of the “American Dream”.  By-the-by, the American Dream is dead.  I had a goal of one of two things. Doing a non-profit by helping those with nervous disorders, or something to be ecologically aware while working for the city.  I cannot do either because the forces behind the oak desk at Wright State is shaping my destiny to be that of retail.

I don’t want that life.  I don’t want to be in customer service, being a lifer at a retail chain.  I want to be in control of what I see as my own destiny.  I don’t want to be ticked off 24/7, working ten times harder than my 15 year old co-working while we’re getting the same pay.  I want to live, not exist.