Emotionally Exhausted and Morally Bankrupt

Frank Burns
I am now at the point to where I see myself becoming more pessimistic at an unhealthy level.  The things going on right now has me wanting to pull the hair right out of my head.  Nature’s doing that for me.  My thinning hair and apparent grey in my beard may be the result of the overwhelming malarkey.  I said malarkey.  I am trying to keep this at an entertaining PG level.

I’ve said it multiple times since November (when I started this farce called blogging) that I have self-esteem issues from an array of incidents.  I have an apparent form of depression compounded with anxiety.  Although it’s not medically diagnosed, it is there and it’s evident as RuPaul and his “lifestyle”.  Maybe that isn’t the best comparison.  It’s 2:30am right now, so get off my back.  My depression and anxiety may be temporary if things smooth out.  I really don’t see that happening.

In the past, my anger issues grew exponentially when I lost my home in 2013.  It grew to a greater scale when I lived on campus at that “college” called Wright State University.  I lived with three guys who, all in all, was the polar opposite of myself.  They’re financially secure with the comfort of knowing that the only way they are (or were) going to college was through the wallets of their parents.  They can drive.  They’re socially excelling.  I was never like that.

I’m a 6’3″ or 6’4″ (depends on the slouch), 300 pound country boy, $47,000 in student loan debt, without a drivers license and primarily an introvert.  Knit pick at that.  For eighteen months, all of that and then some was picked at.  Anyone weaker would have snapped in a violent manner.  I didn’t.  I bottled it up.  Emotionally, it wore me out.  My self-esteem went right out of the window.  I remember being told “Sucks to be a Joe” or “Who cares, nobody knows who you are”.  I apologize for being that sorry sap for longs for being socially accepted.

Aside from that, the college itself is cracking the foundation of who and what I am.  I grew up poor.  I’m still poor.  My ultimate goal was to go to college and become someone.  The number one thing was to be someone who didn’t have to be in pain from years of brutal impacts to the body.  I wanted to do something where I used my mind and help people.  My college chipped away at that.  David Hopkins, former President of Wright State University, was the head of a university who neglected the budget to a point to where progress was almost non-existent.  I had signed up for classes that would be cancelled at the last minute leaving me with no room to find an adequate course.  I would have to take something I did not need to keep myself from owing the college money.  Because of this, I’m at a point to where I’ve used more financial aid than I should with nothing to show for it.

The Spring 2017 semester just ended.  How did I do?  I didn’t.  I got an incomplete for one mistake in my class.  The professor never taught an online course before, so my fate is (or was) lying in the hands of someone completely incompetent of his own tasks.  The university failed me again, and I really don’t think I will be able to graduate.  I spend the past eight years working hard physically and mentally for what?  Owing the government for the money I spent on a institution they shouldn’t have accredited?  I’m tired of it all.  I had goals.  I had the hope of the “American Dream”.  By-the-by, the American Dream is dead.  I had a goal of one of two things. Doing a non-profit by helping those with nervous disorders, or something to be ecologically aware while working for the city.  I cannot do either because the forces behind the oak desk at Wright State is shaping my destiny to be that of retail.

I don’t want that life.  I don’t want to be in customer service, being a lifer at a retail chain.  I want to be in control of what I see as my own destiny.  I don’t want to be ticked off 24/7, working ten times harder than my 15 year old co-working while we’re getting the same pay.  I want to live, not exist.

Ignorance Isn’t Bliss

CK-39757 Denise Robinow ( Campus aerial photos 7-8-09 )
Today (April 7, 2017), Wright State University posted a recap of what the interim university President sent to the students and staff.  It mainly detailed the woes and “progress” that they’ll make to eradicating a ballooning $30 Million debt.  I am sharing a piece of what they said in the recap.

“We will likely see many great staff and faculty leave us, whether through job opportunities elsewhere, retirements, or layoffs. This does not mean that we will stop educating students and working to improve the region.”

I would like to know what ways the university plans on educating students.  Seriously.  How can teach the students when they are on a hiring freeze and will get rid of the professors?  A lot of the remaining professors will not want to pull double duty for the same pay as before.  Realistically, doing twice the work without a little boost in pay or compensation will not happen.  Even those who love to teach is not about to do that much work to compensate the University’s mismanagement.

Also, how will they seek to improve the region?  They cannot improve their own mess.  It’s like they believe that the downward spiral of the University is a quick fix.  All hands need to be on deck to preserve whatever they have left of the school.

The focus of this place has been off in “la-la land” for years.  Last year, Tom Hanks endorsed a portion of the University that focused on motion pictures.
hanks

In 2016, that was the big hoopla.  It was like the University President and his cronies were witnessing the second coming of Jesus Christ.  In actuality, it was an actor giving the nod and a thumbs up for a university getting aroused to put his name on the side of the building.  Don’t get me wrong, I am a fan of Tom Hanks.  I was there at the ceremony, but it was not anything extravagant that guaranteed any revenue for years to come.  An investment like this should have been an investment that benefited the community and college as a whole, and not for a small overrated department.  We’re not Ohio State.  We cannot afford the ceremonies of big actors and dedications of people who come by once in a decade.

The Interim President said that this is something we’re all going to have to deal with and go through and that we will all be affected by this.  Why?  Why will innocent professors lose their job or lose benefits and why will students bare the unavailability of courses and advising?  Why does this have to happen because President Hopkins and the board were too blind to notice that they are spending way too much.  Seem hypocritical when they get onto student because of fees.  It’s not like we racked up the debt.  Students paid into the school, hoping for quality, hoping for an education that will get them out of the realm of poverty.    I am curious where my grants and loans went to.  The President’s pocket?  The NEW President’s country club?  They can pay the new President more than half a million dollars but stress the budget being cut for professors.

My strange suggestion would be to cut the boards salary because apparently they’re too ignorant to realize that simple budgeting is too complex.

Ignorance isn’t bliss.

The Countryside to the Brighter Lights

UrbanVsRural

At twenty-six years of age, I have experienced something that most have not.  For some people, the most they could do is move across the city or move across town.  Migration is apparently lost to some.  More often than not, a city dweller does not know what it is like outside their concrete paradise.  Conversely, people does not know about life outside the tranquil countryside.  I have had that chance to find out if life exist beyond what I am used to.

I grew up in the countryside.  My life was nothing but a rural setting.  Now let me stress one thing.  You cannot claim that you are from a rural neighborhood when your town alone equals the population of an entire country.  If you come from a town of around 14-15,000 or greater, you are not rural.  Sorry.

I grew up in a town called West Union in southern Ohio. The population is between 2,800 and 3,000.  The town, in terms of area, is somewhat large, so the people in the town is spread out.  I lived in an unincorporated portion called Unity, but it was still technically West Union.  My hometown (and pretty much the rest of the country) consists primarily of farm land.  Farms and Amish. Other than that, nothing.  Fields and hills.

We have very little in terms of entertainment.  Walmart is the hottest place to go, mainly because that’s the only mall the whole county has.  We have some McDonalds and Subways scattered.  Other than that, your only way of getting somewhere to do something is to travel 30 miles in any direction.

My neighbors were Amish.  No lie.  In every direction of my home, there was an Amish family.  Unity is notorious for its Amish Community.  Every Sunday Afternoon, city folk would tour, making commuting a pain.  I’d much rather dodge road apples (google it) than a 76 year-old from Indianapolis.  Other than those Sunday afternoons, life was peaceful.  Crime in that area was incredibly low.  You could leave your car and house unlocked because it was so tranquil and people were home by 8.

I left for Dayton, Ohio in 2013 because for someone to grow, you have to do that in some other place than the countryside.  Sure, that’s the ideal place for people to escape to or the best place for people who dislikes the busy life.  It is not really the place for someone to make something of themselves, that is unless you are destined to be a farmer.  I didn’t own a farm, although I eat and have the strength like a farm boy.  I could not find anything that I wanted to do.  What I wanted to do required a lengthy education and West Union was not the place to do it.

For three years, I’ve been in the city.  I was nervous for a bit from the start.  I was not sure if I would hear gunshots or something like that.  I got over it… eventually.  Being up here for this amount of time, I can honestly say that I do not like this city life.  I cannot stand the traffic.  All of that exhaust, the speeding Prius’ zooming down the alley… it’s depressing.  Everyone is moving so fast.  I’m not used to it and I don’t think I ever will be.  I believe that the saddest part of the whole city is that there is a lack of nature.  I have said that to people and they tell me that there is.  That there are Metroparks.  It’s not the same.  A few acres of woods surrounded by highway and concrete does not constitute as nature.  Sorry to disappoint.  To me, in comparison, nature here is artificial.  Nothing can really flourish because of the never-ending change of the landscape.  I want to do something with the landscape.  Majoring in Urban Affairs, I want to implement policies where buildings are rehabbed to prevent to constant spreading of shopping malls and restaurants.

In comparison, I have to say that the countryside is tons more better than the city.  I do have to admit that there are perks to the city.  You can have access to more things and have more a varieties on how you shop.  You can meet new people from other lands and expand your cultural knowledge.  But, how does that help with your mental health?  The stress of constant pressure.  You have to GO GO GO!  It’ll break you!  Go to the sticks and you can move at your own pace.

It’s just an opinion of mine.  Unless you have no choice, just distance yourself from the hustle and bustle.  Breathe, take care of your mind.  The country is the place to be to heal yourself.

 

Nothing Happens

careerburnout_crop380w

 

Well this is my first post in over four weeks.  I’ve been here and there.  Not physically though.

I took a break mentally in December.  For twenty-two years, it’s either been work, school or a combination of both.  I needed a break for once.

The break that I had was not really helpful.  More depressing than I thought.  I did not do a single thing outside of going to Kroger to get food.  That is the highlight of my break between semesters.  I just couldn’t go anywhere.  My car (which was bought in August) is having a stroke.  I cannot learn to drive, which is probably the leading reason for my rapidly increased depression.  That and the loneliness that I feel all day, everyday.  My life is pretty much at the same point as it was before.  No movement.

College is disappointing.  For once, I was a little excited for an upcoming semester.  I am now an Urban Affairs major (not the field for baby daddies).  I have ideas (possibly innovative) and I thought that I could do something about it.  WRONG.

By-the-by, reading that back, it sounded like a tweet from President Trumples.

Anywho….

I thought I would be doing something.  No.  I am learning about Socrates and philosophy.  You’d think that one class could take care of that.  Two! Two classes!  One class is philosophy, which… duh.  The other is one of my Urban Affairs class.  Come on.  I don’t think that material like this has to be discussed in more than one class.

I thought that this would have been better.  Heck, I’ve went to two days worth of classes so far.  We’re in our fifth week.  First I’m badly sick with the flu, then my car catches it. That car locks up and the last thing I want to do is be in the middle of the highway and bam, the car locks up and an eighteen-wheeler comes right into the backseat.  Some of the professors don’t seem to care.  I’d like to come to class, but I can’t.  I’m not privileged enough to be handed a fully functional car.

I am behind and ahead in credit hours.  I’m speeding through my classes and my graduation is closer than before.  I’m behind because I went from 16 to 13 credit hours. Kind of.  I was taking Business Writing, but after the deadline for registration, I was advised to drop that course because I already took a similar class in 2009.  I’m getting the credit for that now.  Since that happened too late, I cannot put something in it’s place.  On top of that, I have to withdraw from one because of my absences.  This time it isn’t math.  It figures though.

I have a lot of free time now.  Four days off and two days of classes.  One day is 80 minutes long.  Do I have five days off?

Other than college, nothing’s going on.  I’m just sitting here… seeing all of the Valentine foo-foo.  Just another year of not having a Valentine and another notch on my never-ending link of depression.  I said to my Mom that this Valentine stuff is so irritating.  She said that I’ll meet the right girl, just give it time.  She added that I’ve been too focused on school.  Noooooo… see paragraph above.  I’m doing nothing!  And this whole “it’ll happen” thing is such an irritating thing to hear.  I’m in my mid-twenties.  I haven’t had a girlfriend in eight years.  I haven’t had a girlfriend since George W. Bush was President!!!

For starters, I’m rusty.  I don’t know how to approach anyone.  I have my eye on someone and then they slip from my sight and that’s that.  Nothing happens.  I don’t want to be that big goober that blurts out something awful.  I just don’t know what to do there.

So…. that’s me right now.  Just sitting around watching life go by.  Getting more and more depressed as time goes on.  As I said to someone, I have the social life of a sloth.  I hardly talk to people.  I don’t do anything.  It’s home life 24/7.  It’s frustrating.  What can I do?  Podcasts?  Yeah.. I don’t like listening to myself talk to myself.

 

I need help.

 

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