Nothing Happens

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Well this is my first post in over four weeks.  I’ve been here and there.  Not physically though.

I took a break mentally in December.  For twenty-two years, it’s either been work, school or a combination of both.  I needed a break for once.

The break that I had was not really helpful.  More depressing than I thought.  I did not do a single thing outside of going to Kroger to get food.  That is the highlight of my break between semesters.  I just couldn’t go anywhere.  My car (which was bought in August) is having a stroke.  I cannot learn to drive, which is probably the leading reason for my rapidly increased depression.  That and the loneliness that I feel all day, everyday.  My life is pretty much at the same point as it was before.  No movement.

College is disappointing.  For once, I was a little excited for an upcoming semester.  I am now an Urban Affairs major (not the field for baby daddies).  I have ideas (possibly innovative) and I thought that I could do something about it.  WRONG.

By-the-by, reading that back, it sounded like a tweet from President Trumples.

Anywho….

I thought I would be doing something.  No.  I am learning about Socrates and philosophy.  You’d think that one class could take care of that.  Two! Two classes!  One class is philosophy, which… duh.  The other is one of my Urban Affairs class.  Come on.  I don’t think that material like this has to be discussed in more than one class.

I thought that this would have been better.  Heck, I’ve went to two days worth of classes so far.  We’re in our fifth week.  First I’m badly sick with the flu, then my car catches it. That car locks up and the last thing I want to do is be in the middle of the highway and bam, the car locks up and an eighteen-wheeler comes right into the backseat.  Some of the professors don’t seem to care.  I’d like to come to class, but I can’t.  I’m not privileged enough to be handed a fully functional car.

I am behind and ahead in credit hours.  I’m speeding through my classes and my graduation is closer than before.  I’m behind because I went from 16 to 13 credit hours. Kind of.  I was taking Business Writing, but after the deadline for registration, I was advised to drop that course because I already took a similar class in 2009.  I’m getting the credit for that now.  Since that happened too late, I cannot put something in it’s place.  On top of that, I have to withdraw from one because of my absences.  This time it isn’t math.  It figures though.

I have a lot of free time now.  Four days off and two days of classes.  One day is 80 minutes long.  Do I have five days off?

Other than college, nothing’s going on.  I’m just sitting here… seeing all of the Valentine foo-foo.  Just another year of not having a Valentine and another notch on my never-ending link of depression.  I said to my Mom that this Valentine stuff is so irritating.  She said that I’ll meet the right girl, just give it time.  She added that I’ve been too focused on school.  Noooooo… see paragraph above.  I’m doing nothing!  And this whole “it’ll happen” thing is such an irritating thing to hear.  I’m in my mid-twenties.  I haven’t had a girlfriend in eight years.  I haven’t had a girlfriend since George W. Bush was President!!!

For starters, I’m rusty.  I don’t know how to approach anyone.  I have my eye on someone and then they slip from my sight and that’s that.  Nothing happens.  I don’t want to be that big goober that blurts out something awful.  I just don’t know what to do there.

So…. that’s me right now.  Just sitting around watching life go by.  Getting more and more depressed as time goes on.  As I said to someone, I have the social life of a sloth.  I hardly talk to people.  I don’t do anything.  It’s home life 24/7.  It’s frustrating.  What can I do?  Podcasts?  Yeah.. I don’t like listening to myself talk to myself.

 

I need help.

 

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2 Comments

  1. The opporitunity will come knocking at my door was what I was always told…. Well, that opporitunity never dinged my dinger not even once over my 52 years. I didn’t miss the knocking opporitunity or Mr. Wright waltzing through my door. If you want something in life it’s not just gonna suddenly appear like magic. You have to make it happen. I missed out on many many things in life scared of everyone laughing at me & keeping everything bottled up inside & alone.
    I am proud of you moving to fast paced college life & leaving everything behind that was cozy and familiar. Change is very hard for a lot of people to accomplish. Keep your head up, smile, walk proud, and continue your journey through life!

    Like

    • I know for sure that nothing magically appears in life. The problem for me is that I work and work and the result is non-existent. The resources had never been available for me. If there was a minute amount of opportunity, I would seize it in a heartbeat.
      I live in such a financial rut. I work and work and the best I can do is get something halfway decent to eat instead of resorting to something cheap and disappointing like a can of soup.
      I can dream and hope for now…. maybe for the next 30 years while I’m shackled to retail. :/

      Like

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